wowowow idk why but i haven’t felt this relatively eating disorder-free in such a long time and i just wanna eat all the little energy bean calories so i can do really cool things like think about space and books and languages for more than 2 minutes without losing concentration
life is pretty cool, dudes. 10/10 would recover for
1. I have to write an Erzählung in the style of W.G. Sebald for my German lit class, and I’m thinking of basing it on this song and a long lost Czech friend of mine.
2. I’m in a very ‘I convinced a perf lil cutie to go with me to an out of the way diner for saturday morning breakfast and bookstore browsing’ mood. yee
No one before Bernini had managed to make marble so carnal. In his nimble hands it would flatter and stream, quiver and sweat. His figures weep and shout, their torses twist and run, and arch themselves in spasms of intense sensation. He could, like an alchemist, change one material into another - marble into trees, leaves, hair, and, of course, flesh.
- Simon Schama’s Power of Art. Bernini
Plink, plink, plink
Goes your banjo-heart.
You murmured to me
In tongues I’ll never know.
After, we sat held in the quiet.
Men think of women
That they’re candles.
Men think of themselves:
A flame brought near
Can turn cold wax warm and soft
And the flame is soon shared.
But your cold is not like that
Not ice, or wind, or steel.
You are rustling leaves.
My therapist was talking about trying to gain an understanding of me, just in a big-picture kinda way. Which got me thinking about how I think of my current self, and all that stuff. So, I dunno, I guess this is some of it.
1. I’m a morning person. I live for mornings. I love being awake while the rest of the world is either sleeping, or still quietly turned inwards. I like cutting fruit and smelling coffee, and petting cats on the porch. I used to be a night person, but now unless there’s someone else around, it just makes me overthink everything. Mornings are hopeful, and there’s so much time.
2. I love people. I act like such a cynical, jaded person so often, but really I’m damn jazzed about existence. It’s really easy for me to see the best in others, which is both good and bad, I guess. My empathy is through the roof, scientifically speaking.
3. Words and grammar and basically all linguistic things make sense to me on a level that pretty much nothing else ever, ever does. I feel it, and breathe it, and think so much about it.
4. I started a journal about a year ago that I only occasionally write in (when I’m in a very specific mood), but it’s full of the most important experiences and people that have had a big impact of how I’ve been changing and learning and coping. It’s one of the only personal things that I’ve ever written and not regretted. It’s me, and I’m in love with it.
5. The fact that I’m a tiny, inconsequential little being floating around on a tiny grain of sand in a vastly infinite universe makes me so so so relaxed and happy. Literally nothing matters, except that I make really wonderful use of my consciousness and surroundings. And be kind. Whenever I get sad or upset I read my astronomy textbook and it helps a whole lot.
6. I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder recently, as a sort of outgrowth of my obsessive compulsive tendencies and anxiety. Nearly 20 years old, relearning how to appreciate and think about food.
7. At the risk of sounding too housewifey and gross, probably one of the most important things to me is having kids. I think about my future kids a lot, and I already love them and buy bilingual books for them and ugh someone stop me why am I so gross
8. So many important people in my life have been passing away recently, before I feel like I’ve had a chance to appreciate them in a way I was unable to before and only recently learning. I feel terrified, and completely at a loss.
9. Buying books and holding books and smelling books and rearranging books and reading books. Books.
10. !!!!!!! coffee.
I guess that’s all I got right now.
“Restless. As if you haven’t really met yourself yet. As if you’d passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - ‘Ah! There I Am! I’ve been missing that piece!’ But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it.❞